Her Living Image Read online

  Jane Rogers was born in London in 1952. She read English at Cambridge, followed by a post-graduate teaching certificate at Leicester University. She has worked in comprehensive schools, further education, and as Writing Fellow at Northern College, at Cambridge and at Sheffield Hallam University. She has paid several extended visits to Australia, where her family now live. She has also written TV drama, including the BBC adaption of Mr Wroe’s Virgins. She lives in Lancashire with her husband and two children.

  by the same author

  SEPARATE TRACKS

  THE ICE IS SINGING

  MR WROE’S VIRGINS

  PROMISED LANDS

  JANE ROGERS

  Her Living Image

  First published in 1984

  by Faber and Faber Limited

  3 Queen Square London WC1N 3AU

  This digital edition first published by Canongate in 2012

  All rights reserved

  © Jane Rogers, 1984

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978 0 857 86949 4

  www.canongate.tv

  To Mick

  Contents

  Part One

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Part Two

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Part Three

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Part One

  Chapter 1

  At eighteen, Carolyn Tanner was as thin as a stick, with lank no-colour hair which filled her mother with despair. She had the sort of face you wouldn’t notice in a crowd; especially when she had carefully applied her make-up. The effect of the pearl-grey eyeshadow, blue-black mascara and black eye-liner which she favoured at that age was to make her look even more ghostly than nature intended. Without a crowd – or the make-up – you would notice her eyes. Not the eyes themselves, which were a pleasant if fairly ordinary clear grey, but the eyelids. Her eyelids were fuller than is common, framing her eyes with a thick, almost puffy-looking, curve of flesh. That fullness above the eyes was capable of curious effects, making her look at times as if her eyes were swollen with tears, at other times giving her plain face an exotic sensuality. She was never beautiful, but the combination of small regular features, clear pale complexion, and that soft vulnerable fleshy roll of eyelid, made up a face that people warmed to.

  The day before her accident was a beautiful one. It was June 3, 1972.

  Carolyn liked coming home in the afternoons. In summer she was often early, especially once exams started. The estate was quiet, its raw little gardens lying tranquil in the sun, the grass rectangles with curling-cornered turves and neat snapdragon borders basking purposefully as though they were the only reasons for the existence of the houses.

  That summer the heat stood on the pavements and drooped in shimmering layers over the boiled new red-brick houses of the estate. Teachers wryly called it exam weather and claimed that May was always like this; it did not seem so, to Carolyn. The heat was exceptional, and so was everything else. Everywhere, suddenly, freedom was showing, like light in cracks behind heavy curtains, shining under doors, showing in pinpoints through keyholes – and brightening, intensifying like the warmth of the sun. Here she was coming home from school at two-thirty on a Thursday afternoon, and in another month it would be over entirely, exams and all. School would be over.

  As she walked up the heat-shiny hill she was happy. In all directions: Alan (still greatly flattered, she was astonished and, yes, delighted); the luxury of coming home alone instead of in a yowling fighting four o’clock mob; the empty house ahead (which would smell of hot stuffiness, her nostrils tested the air for it already and touched on scents of hot tar, dry earth, cut and drying grass). Most of all, the English lesson made her almost bounce with glee. She used the word to herself, savouring her feeling; it was glee. How pathetic they were!

  In the hot classroom the Venetian blinds had made horizontal stripes which flowed up and down over desks and chairs like contour lines on a map. Lumps was talking about Persuasion.

  “What about Anne then? What do you think of her, finally?” Carolyn felt she was a tiger, camouflaged by the stripes of shade, crouching ready to pounce.

  “She’s a wet!” said Katie Lawton, in the way that she did, looking round for appreciation of her biting wit.

  And then they all chipped in, “Yes, she is, it’s sickening the way she lets them push her around . . . she never does what she wants – how can she pretend she loves him when she just gives him up? She’s pathetic. . . .”

  Carolyn bided her time, waiting, listening.

  At last Lumps said ruefully, “Does anyone like her?”

  Carolyn the tiger pounced.

  “I – I – I – she is likeable. And good.” She felt her red-hot blush spreading up her face as everyone’s eyes were on her. “Because–she – she isn’t wet at all, she does exactly what she thinks is right – and everyone else – in the book – does what they think they ought to do. At the beginning she does what they say – yes, that’s why it’s called Persuasion, but she does because she thinks they must be right and that’s how she ought to behave. And then as she gets older she manages – as she gets older – she thinks for herself what’s right and wrong – she trusts herself more than what they think –” Out of breath. Lumps grinning, everyone else still staring at her in surprise. I did it. I told them! Sitting back like a purring cat she only half listened while Lumps went rambling on about Romantic influences on Jane Austen. I told them. So there!

  Arriving home she unlocked the door and pushed it open, standing still on the step to feel the stuffy heat expanding out, and to breathe in the lovely baked atmosphere of empty house. She went into the lounge, inhaling deeply the airless mix of undisturbed smells: Palmolive washing-up liquid, her father’s pipe, and the simple smell of hot wood and fabric, like ironing. Then she opened the windows wide and stood waiting for the outside air to flow in, feeling the house air diluting, cooling slightly, its smells fading. That smell guaranteed emptiness. It was the greatest luxury of all, to come home before her mother.

  Carolyn was happy. She had reached a peak of almost-confidence, both in her thin pale looks, which Alan liked, and in her own intellect. She could do it. She was as good as them. She felt the dizzy excitement of a diver on the highest board, facing the plunge – and the sense that (this was a secret which no one else knew) her own life was special, and would be somehow more important, more real, than anyone else’s. When she was younger she had thought the same thing about her handwriting, which made her smile now. She used to think it amazing that of all the styles of handwriting (even in her class in Juniors where they were all taught the same kind of round joined-up writing by Mr Maples) only her own was instantly clear; everyone else’s presented that momentary obstacle, of looking strange, of being handwriting instead of instant words.

  Meg Tanner, walking home from work at
the woolshop with her bag full of lunch-hour shopping, tasted like a sweet the image of Carolyn at home studying her books in the nice airy lounge.

  Her bag was heavy and her varicose veins ached with a dull pressure on her shins and the back of her calves. She’d tried it with no tights today but it wasn’t worth it, not by the end of the day. It may be very nice in the morning, but really you need support more than you need the cool. The cool is a luxury, put it that way, the support’s a necessity. Jean said she wasn’t keen on this heat either, well where’s the pleasure in it when your feet swell up and your corset’s wringing with sweat, where’s the pleasure in that? You wouldn’t catch me paying to lie and cook like meat in rows on the beach, they’ve got more money than sense.

  Nearly five pounds for that wool, it’s daylight robbery. Oh, go on – it’ll suit her down to the ground, you knew that as soon as you saw it in the box, it’s the colour of her eyes. Sea mist. Nice name too. It’ll look a treat with that flared skirt.

  Hearing the sound of a train from down the valley, she faltered in her step, then swapped the shopping bag to the other hand, straightened her shoulders and went on more quickly up the hill. Crawling along like an old woman, I bet you look a sight. My God though, my blouse is sticking right across my shoulders, it must be in the nineties. Have a bath when I get home. At least you can breathe up here, a bit. Get the breeze if there’s any going. I’d be going mad down there and that’s the truth – I would.

  The Tanners had moved to one of the first houses on the new estate, from Railway Street, three years ago. They had started their married life in a council house, and it had taken them nine years to get to Railway Street. Railway Street was their own, paid for by Arthur’s hours of filthy silent wrestling with recalcitrant engines, in the small garage that Charlie Watson owned but where Arthur did all the work. It was their own – but that was about all there was to be said for it. When a train passed every spoon and fork in the drawer had clattered up and down, separately and together, even after she’d lined the drawer with felt. Sometimes she’d got so she felt like screaming when the trains were coming. It’s no good giving in to it, we can all be neurotic I always say, but it’s enough to drive you round the twist when they’re every half-hour and you’re waiting for it and expecting it if it’s a minute late, waiting to be rattled and joggled till your dentures click in your mouth.

  Mrs Bateman and Angela coming. She’s a tarty-looking thing, that girl, with her hair frizzed out like that.

  “Warm enough for you? It is, isn’t it? We should all go on strike, I say. I like your new hairdo, Angela love, it does suit you.” As she walked on she considered Carolyn’s hair, which was one of the major problems of her life. Would a light perm help?

  Regularly she ransacked the shelves of Boots the Chemist for new varieties of shampoo for her daughter, and the bathroom cabinet was stuffed with half-used bottles, discarded temporarily in favour of the latest seductive purchase: Silvikrin lemon and lime for greasy hair, Vosene medicated for dull lifeless hair, Sunsilk conditioner for light flyaway hair, Wella herbal cream rinse (to add body), Johnson’s baby shampoo for frequently washed hair, and Bristow’s Free and Lovely (for any sort of hair that wasn’t). You name it, it’s wrong with my Carolyn’s hair. Always thought she’d grow out of it, but no, eighteen and she’s still got hair like a baby, too fine to hold a curl or style at all. It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t get so greasy. She smiled to see in her mind’s eye Carolyn’s despairing demonstration of what it was like when she put on her new synthetic jumper. One side of her hair stuck flat to her head with static, the other stood on end and waved slowly up and down like a dishcloth boiling in the pan.

  She noticed the new paint at number fourteen – like a sore thumb, bright orange. It’s time Arthur gave that back door another coat. I’ll have to remind him. He can give his blessed allotment a miss for once. Get that shawl finished tonight, Jean can put it in the window tomorrow and take the fisherman’s rib out. Never sell a thing like that this weather, stands to sense. As she thought of Jean she remembered with disproportionate anger Jean’s remark that afternoon. Meg had said something about Carolyn being good – in the house, or something, being helpful.

  “She is, isn’t she?” Jean said. “She’s nearly too good to be true, your Carolyn.”

  Stupidly, Meg had fallen into the trap of defending Carolyn. “Well she is, though I say so myself. I’ve never had to lie awake at nights wondering where she is or what she’s up to, she’s always in bed by ten-thirty, and I’ve never had the cheek from her that some people have to put up with. She’s not one for having lots of noisy friends in to mess up the place, either – she can amuse herself, thank you. When I look at other people’s kids I thank my stars, I do really.” She wished she’d bitten off her tongue first. Spiteful bitch, saying things like that. Oh yes, Meg knew it was only jealousy, because Jean’s Lizzie was such a little tramp, and she’d told herself again and again not to blow her own trumpet about Carolyn. But it’s only natural, isn’t it, to take a pride. Jean shouldn’t have said that.

  What Meg feared was that Carolyn really was too good to be true. It seemed to her to be quite likely. She had lost her first baby at birth; complications in a long slow labour, followed by the use of forceps, had injured it – killed it, she believed, although they told her its heart had already stopped. The second, Darren Philip, was born by Caesarean section. He died for no reason at two months. A cot death, the doctor said. And Carolyn June was the third. A beautiful baby, a good girl, watched like a hawk by her mother. For the eighteen years of Carolyn’s life, Meg had held at bay the horrible diseases, the debilitating accidents, the rapists and murderers, snakes and spiders, hot kettles and irons, sharp knives and scissors, soft smothering pillows, electric sockets, steep stairs, chewing gum, plate glass and fumes from gas fires which daily, minutely, threatened her daughter. Behind every kindly daily surface lurked death, black jaws agape. And Meg was brisk and sensible and said cheerily, “Well, you can’t let it get you down, can you?” and was better in herself and happier than ever now, since they’d moved from Railway Street.

  But her enduring secret terror was that the black jaws would catch up with her Carolyn – and Carolyn’s perfection made it all the more likely. Jean’s remark made her want to cry.

  And of course she remembered it afterwards – luridly, hideously, knew it had been a warning and hated Jean. Only many months later did she remind Jean of her remark, and Jean, horrified, cried, “But you know I didn’t mean – I never meant – you know how I go on. Oh Meg, I am sorry!”

  The young couple on the corner were out doing their garden. Meg smiled and nodded at them and wondered how they felt about number four? That garden’s never been done since they moved in, it’s a bit much when you try to keep the place nice and there’s weeds and rubbish spreading like wildfire from next door. Spoils the whole row, it does. She saw the front room windows open and thought with pleasure of seeing Carolyn through the window – which she did as she turned in at the gate, Carolyn with her fair head down over her books. Meg turned her key in the Yale, plumped the shopping down in the kitchen and went and collapsed on the sofa.

  “This heat takes it out of me – it really does.”

  Carolyn nodded without looking up. “Want some tea?”

  “Please. Oh, Carolyn love, can you put that butter in my bag in the fridge? It’ll be running away.”

  “Yup.” Standing up, Carolyn glanced at her mother, who had just prised her feet out of her shoes. The shoes had left red indented rims around the flesh, so the feet looked like cakes newly turned out of tins.

  After she had washed the tea things Carolyn went to her room to work, as she always did. Her Dad went out to the allotment as he always did, and her Mum sat watching telly, knitting, as she always did.

  Carolyn liked her room, even though it was small. It was pink and white and clean. There was appleblossom on the wallpaper which she had chosen, and she had made two patchwork cus
hions for her bed, from pink and white flowered remnants. On the shelf above the bed were her foreign-costume dolls, each in its shiny Cellophane tube, and by the bed the poster of a baby polar bear and the one of Cliff Richard that Mandy had given her. The carpet, from the old house, was beige and faded, but by her bed she had a white (washable) long-haired rug. Her Dad had made her a work top, out of plastic wood, so she could study in her room. Opening her file, she bent her head over the intricate doodle on the inside cover, and started to add fine heart-shaped curlicues to the letters A–L–A–N which were drawn in stars at the bottom of the page.

  Chapter 2

  June 4 dawned hot again, but with a change, a closing in, of atmosphere. The sky at noon was metallic, and people felt in their heads a mounting pressure like rising irritation. The sky had turned into a great hot mouth which closed down over them, exhaling stale used air, came closer as if to suffocate and swallow them. Finally, in the afternoon, the first full hot drops fell from the sky – as if the sky itself was yielding to the great heat, and melting.

  The first drips made big individual splotches on the school drive, and released smells of soil and cement. Then came lightning and very close thunder, and the rain began to fall more quickly, no longer in drips but in lines, pelting down, drilling into the ground. Where they drove down on to concrete or tarmac they bounced up again, to a height of six inches. Through every window in the school, children were looking out at the rain, transfixed. Carolyn, making Art History notes in the library, found her gaze irresistibly drawn to the window. Her friend Mandy was sitting beside her. Mandy was plump, energetic and unafraid. She knew a lot about things that Carolyn didn’t, like religion and sex. She had been Born Again last year and it had weakened their friendship. Mandy had gone all the way, and told Carolyn about johnnys. (“They sell them in Boots. You go and have a look – on the medicine counter, near the aspirins – anyone can buy them!”) Where Mandy led, Carolyn sometimes followed, although she was becoming increasingly stubborn and at times dug her heels in and refused to listen to reason at all. She had done this, to Mandy’s regret, over Jesus. They did not see much of each other outside school, since Mandy’s time was much absorbed by Jesus and her boyfriend George, and Carolyn’s mother thought Mandy, with her tight jeans and loud voice, rather common.